The last word in diet, exercise and health advice.

Q. I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is
this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it…
don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like
saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled
wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you
get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of
grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! …. Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting
more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s
the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any
misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the
other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO
HOO, What a Ride" AND….

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on
nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all
those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.

4. The French and Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and
fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
kills you.

(Many thanks to Ben Trainer for passing this along. Message to Ben: you owe me a cleaning fee as I wet my pants laughing when I read this…. .Thanks a lot!!!)